Captain Casey Makes Your Day

Random story generator gave me this

It all started when our overrated adventurer, Casey, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly stunned, Casey deflowered a gerbil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, she realized that her beloved Onions was missing! Immediately she called her so-called buddy, Tony. Casey had known Tony for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Tony was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little… selfish. Casey called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Tony picked up to a very mad Casey. Tony calmly assured her that most Indonesian devil cats sigh before mating, yet albino cats usually indiscriminately panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Casey. Why was Tony trying to distract Casey? Because he had snuck out from Casey’s with the Onions only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little Onions… how could he resist? It didn’t take long before Casey got back to the subject at hand: her Onions. Tony grimaced. Relunctantly, Tony invited her over, assuring her they’d find the Onions. Casey grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Tony realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Onions and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Casey took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least ten minutes before Casey would get there. But if she took the the real short bus? Then Tony would be abnormally screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Tony was interrupted by five clueless hippos that were lured by his Onions. Tony sneezed; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling angered, he randomly reached for his live hand grenade and aggressively groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent—the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the the real short bus rolling up. It was Casey. ——o0o—— As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald’s to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so she knew she was running late. With a heroic leap, Casey was out of the the real short bus and went explosively jaunting toward Tony’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Tony was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Onions into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his hammock. Tony was exasperated but at least the Onions was concealed. The doorbell rang. ‘Come in,’ Tony charismatically purred. With a hasty push, Casey opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling self-righteous ass in a rice rocket,’ she lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Tony assured her. Casey took a seat just under where Tony had hidden the Onions. Tony belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Casey was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Tony noticed a selfish look on Casey’s face. Casey slowly opened her mouth to speak. ‘…What’s that smell?’ Tony felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Casey asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Onions right by his oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Casey’s face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s wolverines from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh…dropped ‘em by here earlier’. Casey nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Tony could react, Casey aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Onions was plainly in view. Casey stared at Tony for what what must’ve been five millseconds. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Tony groped flamboyantly in Casey’s direction, clearly desperate. Casey grabbed the Onions and bolted for the door. It was locked. Tony let out a flamboyant chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Casey,’ he rebuked. Tony always had been a little annoying, so Casey knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Tony did something crazy, like… start chucking gerbils at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, she gripped her Onions tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Tony looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Casey. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Casey. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Tony walked over to the window and looked down. Casey was gone. ——o0o—— Just yonder, Casey was struggling to make her way through the lemur-infested moor behind Tony’s place. Casey had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral hippos suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Onions. One by one they latched on to Casey. Already weakened from her injury, Casey yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of hippos running off with her Onions.

Happy ending:

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Casey’s Onions. Feeling frustrated, God smote the hippos for their injustice. Then He got in His gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV and darted away with the fortitude of 61 Indonesian devil cats running from a oversized pack of 3-legged wallabies. Casey tripped with joy when she saw this. Her Onions was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes her favorite TV show, Trailer Park Boys, was going to come on (followed immediately by ‘When venomous koalas meet pipe bomb’). Casey was elated. And so, everyone except Tony and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.

Sad ending:

About eight hours later, Casey awoke, her foot throbbing. It was dark and Casey did not know where she was. Deep in the humid bush, Casey was extraordinarily lost. A few minutes later, she remembered that her Onions was taken by the hippos. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That’s when, to her horror, a bloated hippo emerged from the thicket. It was the alpha hippo. Casey opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the hippo sunk its teeth into Casey’s thigh. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Casey’s lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure. Less than three miles away, Tony was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Onions. ‘MY PRECIOUS!!’ he cried, as he reached for a sharpened spoon. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his face. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Casey… wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Onions that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn’s reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant hippos, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would’ve lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :’(